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Columns > Reader Soapbox > #5: 360 Lust
And lo, in time for this holiday season, a console was born. Everybody is happy about that, right?  Microsoft has taken what should be a happy and joyous time in any husband's young life and turned it into a period of despair and misery. Their latest hunk of plastic goodness, the Xbox 360, arrives on shelves this month, to much fanfare and giddy excitement. Microsoft, a humble little Seattle company, accustomed to just barely scrapin' by, just doin' it all for the love of the artform, decided that perhaps they ought to try making a little money this time - you know, so they can maybe add a second bathroom to their spartan headquarters, or buy a company car, like a Datsun. So they've decided to attach the meager price of $400 to their newest system, which research tells them is very affordable for their customers. Of course, their research was conducted by calling up Bill Gates' friends and asking "Hey, is four hundred bucks too much for the new Xbox?" to which Mr. Gates' friends replied, "Pfft, I paid some dude four hundred bucks just to hand me the phone when you called." And they probably have jet packs, too, or some other cool rich stuff, like solid gold underwear. Jerks. Anyway, as you may have noticed by the bitterness and sarcasm, there is no way the Windmill family can justify such an extravagant purchase, especially at holiday time, when we have two children for whom to buy presents. Granted, one of them is a baby, but the other one is ten, and no matter how hard Simon tries, the ten year old just can't be convinced to become the family Buddhist and forsake all possessions. This has happened before. Upon hearing news of the release of a new system, there is a process my husband goes through when he realizes he will have to wait to acquire it. It is known as The Seven Stages of Console Grief. 1)Shock or disbelief: "Wow, they want that much for the new (blank)? You're kidding! Outrageous!" 2)Denial: "Yeah, the new (blank) looks cool, but there will only be three new titles released on launch day, and everything I like I can play on my existing systems." 3) Bargaining: "Hey, it turns out the new (blank) comes with wireless controllers, a huge hard drive, in your choice of eight colors, hovers slightly above a flat surface, includes a toaster oven, is a time machine, et cetera, et cetera. Heh. You know, really, it would be a sound investment, and I could write reviews for the new games, and it would increase our property value just by having it in the house. Heh." 4)Irrationality: "Here! Drink fifteen of these 20 ounce bottles of Diet Whatever as fast as you can! Go go go! There's a code under each cap/on the bottoms/under the labels, and I need to enter each one in less than 3 minutes on a sweepstakes website to win a new (blank)! Come on, chug it! Don't cry! Go!" 5)Anger: "Why can't I sell the dishwasher? I'm the one with the job! I bought it! And I'm the only one who ever loads it anyway!" 6) Despair: "Everyone got their new (blanks) today, and they're all talking about how great they are. I guess I just won't be able to experience the incredible thrill-ride that everyone else is taking. I should just stop looking at the internet for a while, I suppose." 7)Acceptance/hope: "Hey, I saw some guy on eBay selling (blanks) for, like, seven dollars less than the ticket price! I'm sure we can afford it now!" Well, it's that time of year again. No, I'm not referring to Christmas, or Hanukkah, or Kwanzaa, Ramadan, Yule, Festivus, or any other holiday; it's far more evil than all of the above combined. It's Release Time. The thing is, when a new and expensive system is released, Simon usually saves up his pin money, sells a few of his baubles, and gets the cash together. Well, that might actually be Lucy Ricardo I'm thinking of, but the essence is the same. In the case of the Xbox 360, we really don't have anything just lying around to eBay that would generate quite that much money. He'll certainly end up enjoying his very own 360 in good time, but it's going to have to wait. I think he's coming to terms with that, but I admit that I am a little worried. He's been eyeing my kidneys in a way that makes me very uncomfortable.
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