In honor of the live action Transformers movie being released on DVD this week, I thought I’d repost a blog I wrote about everything I knew about the little robots.  Transform and roll out!

Since the new live action Transformers movie has just been released, I thought I’d dedicate this blog to writing about everything I know about Transformers. Kind of a mind dump. Don’t worry, I’m not a super Transformers geek or anything. But I did enjoy playing with the toys and watching the cartoon when I was little, and I thought I’d share those experiences with you all in my blog today. Oh yeah, I’ll try to keep this blog spoiler-free of the new movie, but I can’t guarantee a few things might not slip out, so forgive me in advance, OK?

The Beginnings
When I was little, there were really only two toy lines that I liked and really got into: Star Wars and Transformers. I never really got into G.I. Joe. I liked the Ghostbusters movies and cartoons, but not the toys. And while all my friends liked He-Man and made me watch the cartoon with them, I never got into the He-Man toys either. Funny story: one day when me and a neighbor kid were playing outside, the kid asked me what my mom’s first name was. When I said, “Sheilah,” he yelled out, “WOW! Your mom’s She-Ra???” My mom heard that and thought it was really funny so from then on, she was a fan and made me watch the She-Ra cartoon, too.

When the Transformers toys and cartoon first came out, I really didn’t think too much of them. So I wasn’t really into it at first. But one day, my dad got home from a long business trip and brought me back a toy. It was Ironhide, my first Transformer. I don’t think I was too thrilled at first (but I was thankful), but I gave Ironhide a chance and he turned out to be a pretty cool toy. So since I had a Transformers toy, I figured I’d better try and watch the cartoon now. Soon after, I was hooked. Yeah I know the cartoon was really dumb and crappy and was just a 30 minute commercial for the toy line. But hey, cut me some slack, I was just a dumb kid. For the next year or so, a lot of my allowance and birthday and Christmas wish lists were nothing but Transformers.

Transformers are ‘evil’
Around the time that I was really big into Transformers, my parents were going through their divorce and it was really tough on all of us. So in a way, playing with the toys and watching the cartoon was a nice escape. But I couldn’t play with them all the time. I was still too young to stay home by myself after school, so for about a year (maybe less), I spent the afternoons at a family’s house that we knew from church. They had a couple of kids, so I thought it would be fun to play Transformers and watch the cartoon with them. Unfortunately, they turned out to be one of those far right-winged families and thought that all of the cartoons and toy lines then were ‘evil’ and ‘satanic.’ Even Rainbow Brite and Smurfs. Don’t ask me why, I still don’t understand why they thought that way. Still irritates me. So they forbid me to bring any of my toys over or watch the cartoon. Heck, they wouldn’t even let me use my Transformers lunch box! Needless to say, I wasn’t very happy over there. I don’t think I had to stay over there very long, but it sure felt like it at the time.

Transformers: The Movie
The new summer blockbuster isn’t the first time Optimus Prime and pals have appeared on the big screen. Back when I was a kid and the toys were super popular, they made an animated movie based on the cartoon show. Nowadays everyone says it was a flop, but back then, you’d never know it was a failure to me and my friends. That was the biggest event of the summer for us. I don’t remember too much about it. I know that Unicron the planet eating robot was in it, and at one point he made these really funny chomping sounds. I know the movie was set in the near future, as opposed to the present day setting of the cartoon show. But the biggest thing I remember is that, in comparison to the TV cartoon show, the movie was surprisingly rough and violent. Some of the characters said ‘shit’ and ‘damn’ in some scenes. I know that’s not a very big deal now, but back then it seemed to be. And even bigger than that, in the movie they killed off a lot of the robots, including the Autobot leader Optimus. I’m sure many a kid was scarred for that back then. Of course, I also remember spending the majority of the movie being ticked off that they killed my favorite Transformer right at the beginning, but we’ll get to that in a little bit.

End of the line
Soon after the movie, I stopped getting into Transformers toys. I don’t know if it was because the movie sucked and killed off all my favorite toys, or if it was because the subsequent season of the cartoon and toy line lost whatever charm they used to have, or if it was because I was just gettting plain tired of Transformers. Kids are fickle, after all. All I know is that soon after that, I realized that video games were much more fun and more worthy of my time, money, and energy than any toy or action figure. And it’s been that way ever since.

The toys I remember
While reminiscing, I thought I’d try and remember some of the toys I used to have or played with at a friend’s house. I did a little ‘research,’ meaning I looked down a Wikipedia list of old Transformers, and if I saw a name a recognized, I put it here. I don’t have any of my Transformers toys anymore, but I really don’t regret it. You can’t save everything! But I wouldn’t mind having another one of my favorite Transformer, which is…

Ironhide
Yup, Ironhide was my favorite. As mentioned before, he was the first one I ever got. He didn’t even look like Ironhide in the cartoon (the toy didn’t even have a head). I think that’s because I remember reading that back then, the Transformers toy line in the US was just a mishmash of different Japanese robot toys. That’s why some of the toys, like Ironhide, had a different ‘feel’ and ‘look’ to them. There’s another reason why I liked Ironhide the toy the best. All the other Transformers were cool vehicles that kids would like: big mac trucks, bulldozers, fighter jets, tanks, race cars, etc. But Ironhide? He was just a red van. Yup, even as a kid I appreciated irony.

Ironhide was also cool in the cartoon. He was an old friend of Optimus Prime, and you have to be pretty cool to be friends with him. Ironhide was a tough old warrior with a Texan accent. How a robot picks up an accent is beyond me, but that was cool, too. Unfortunately, he was one of the first to be killed in the Transformers cartoon movie. Shot in the head, point blank range, by Megatron himself. I had brought my Ironhide toy with me into the movie theater, and after seeing Ironhide getting killed, I looked down at my Ironhide toy and thought to myself, “Well crap, no more Ironhide!”

The long running Transformers toy line has had different versions of Ironhide, and I have one of them. It’s a little pickup truck with black and white cow paint on it. Not a red van, but still pretty fitting for Ironhide. I was also glad to see Ironhide in the new live action movie. He turns into a big black truck. He’s a little meaner than what I would’ve liked, but still pretty cool and funny. Ironhide rocks!

Cosmos
This was the second Transformers toy I got. I had a lot of the small, keychain sized ones because it was all I could afford on my allowance. Cosmos was a green UFO, doubly cool in my book. And since he was small, I could fit him in my pocket. We were not allowed to bring toys to school, but I would sometimes carry Cosmos around in my pocket and I thought I was such a REBEL for doing that.

Optimus Prime
I don’t think I had an Optimus toy when I was little, but I remember playing with one over at a friend’s house. He was pretty well-worn, the fists kept falling off. Back then, these toys were all made of metal, so I’m sure a lot of people my age have Optimus shaped dents in their foreheads. Everyone says Optimus was a good leader in the cartoon, but I dunno. He let the other Autobots do their own thing and get everyone in danger without reprimanding them, and he ALWAYS let Megatron get away. At least he looks cool in the new movie, and the Burger King commercial with him in it is funny. Check it out on YouTube.

One of my favorite non-Transformer toys did have Optimus on it, though. Back then, one of my favorite outdoor activities was flying kites. I did that all the time! My favorite one was a standard diamond kite that had Optimus Prime on it. I loved that kite. It was big and easy to fly, and when I wasn’t playing with it outside, I had it hung up on my wall in my bedroom. I want to get the Mr. Potato Head Optimash Prime!

Bumblebee
Another one of the small keychain ones I had. He was a cool yellow VW Bug. But I think they also made a red one, too. A few years after I stopped watching the Transformer cartoon, I was flipping channels and caught a new episode. Apparently they had brought back Prime and they were repairing Bumblebee. When he was all fixed up, he said, “I feel like a new bug.” Then Prime said, “Then you shall be known as Goldbug.” I don’t think I missed much from not watching the cartoon anymore. While he’s not a VW Bug anymore in the movie, they do make a funny allusion to it.

Jazz
I don’t think I had this toy, but I remember him being pretty prominent in the cartoon. He was voiced by Scatman Corothers, who also did the voice of Hong Kong Phooey.

Ratchet
Where’s Clank? Ratchet was just a white repaint of Ironhide, made up to look like an ambulance. In the cartoon he was voiced by Don Messick, who also did the voice of many Hanna Barbera stars like Boo Boo, Scooby Doo, Muttley, Papa Smurf, and many others. I’m glad I got to meet Don Messick before he passed away.

Huffer
Another keychain one. He was a little mac truck that was bright orange. He looked silly in robot form because the smokepipes of the truck were his arms. In the cartoon, I remember one time Optimus was really tired and low on energy after a fight, and Huffer offered to pull his trailer for him. It looked ridiculous seeing a little orange truck carrying Optimus’ big trailer.

SkyFire/Jetfire
I’m not sure what this guy’s name was. I don’t think they knew either. You could really tell with this one that the Transformer toys were just a bunch of different Japanese robot toys. I think he was a Robotech/Battletech airplane robot. He was much bigger than the other toys and the joints were stiffer, too.

Grimlock and the Dinobots
Take two things kids like: dinosaurs and robots. Instant hit when you put them together. I don’t think I had any of these, but my friend had all of them. Grimlock was a T-Rex and the others had names that started with S, like Sludge and Slash and Smudge and whatever. Grimlock was the source of a lot of comic relief in the cartoon. My mom didn’t like him because she thought he encouraged bad grammar. “Me Grimlock kick butt!”

Tracks
In the cartoon I think he was a sissy and nacisi…narcisis…uh…full of himself. But he turned into a really cool blue Corvette/Trans-Am car. I kept the toy in car form all the time since it was such a cool car.

Blaster
An Autobot repaint of Soundwave made to look like a boom box. Soundwave was cooler.

Perceptor
I KNOW I had this one! Also one of my favorites. I think one of the Japanese toys lines made into Transformers turned into real life things that work that you could use (think they were called Mircoman). Well Perceptor turned into a microscope that really worked. Granted, it didn’t work very WELL, but it was still cool.

Ultra Mangus
He was bascially Optimus Prime with a trailer that held cars. He was a pretty big toy, so I was lucky to get him. I think I convinced my dad that if I got him, I could use his trailer to hold all my other Transformers and keep my room cleaner. Ah, kids are so manipulative.

Hod Rod/Rodimus Prime
He ended up being the new leader of the good guys in the movie. I didn’t like him much. In his non-leader form, he was a sports car, but in leader form, he was a really dumb looking truck. My friend has his toy and we thought we were real clever when we would transform him and reversed his legs so he looked more like a boat than a car.

Omega Supreme
For a couple of Christmases, my ‘biggie’ presents were really big Transformer toys, and this was one of them. He was big! He turned into a bunch of things. A rocket, launch base, a track with a battery operated ‘car’ that would run around it. He was a pain in the butt to transform. I liked his rocket that became his claw hand.

Metroplex
The other biggie Transformer that I got supposedly turned into a city, but it looked more like the robot sitting down to me. Also a pain in the butt to transform.

Kup
This was probably the last Transformer toy I got. He came out after the movie where everything was futuristic. I think one of the reasons why the toys and cartoon lost its charm at this time was that before, the toys would turn into familiar vehicles and things. But after the movie, they all turned into futuristic cars that looked more like used bars of soap on wheels more than anything. But I thought Kup was cool because he was a futuristic pickup truck. And in the cartoon movie he was an old fart.

Megatron
Now we’re getting into the Decepticons! I never had the main villian, but my friend did. I think they stopped making Megatron because he looked too much like a real gun. I don’t remember that, but I remember his robot toy form looking really stupid. It cracked me up in the live-action movie when Megatron was being thawed out and the first thing he said was, “I AM MEGATRON!” If I was frozen and then thawed out, I doubt the first thing I’d say would be “I AM CARY!”

Starscream
Jeff calls him ‘Sunscreen.’ Always trying to unsurp Megatron as leader in the cartoon. I’ll never forget that annoying scratchy voice. I never had any of the jet Transformers until later when I found one on sale. It was purple and had a really dumb conehead when in robot form.

Soundwave
I think Soundwave was my favorite Decepticon. He was a tape deck, and the little tapes inside would come out and turn into other little robots. He had an awesome voice in the cartoon. In the first episode when they were all on the robot planet, before he turned into an Earth tape deck, it looked like he turned into a streetlamp. I thought the Transformer in the live action movie that turned into a boom box was supposed to be Soundwave, but it’s actually named “Frenzy.” Oh well. It would be cool if the Soundwave toy actually played tapes. Didn’t they make a Transformer that turned into a camera that you could special order? Or maybe I’m just imagining things.

Laserbeak
He was one of the tapes that would go in Soundwave. He turned into a vulture and spied on the good guys in the cartoon. Ironically, the tape that came with Soundwave the toy wasn’t Laserbeak, but another gold bird that was never used in the cartoon.

Rumble
This tape turned into a robot that, in the cartoon, would use his arms as pistons to make earthquakes. I thought that was cool when I was a kid. Another thing I liked about the cartoon were those Energon cubes that they used as energy. I nearly expected one of them to put a straw in one and drink it like s juice box!

Shockwave
He turned into a big purple space gun with sound effects. Got him for my birthday one year, I think.

Bug Robots
I can’t remember the name of them, I think they were called the Decepti-bugs or something. I think I had one that was a grasshopper. They were dark purple and silver and looked cool.

Construction Robots
I forget their names as well. I think they were called Constructo-bots or Build-i-cons or something. They were all little bulldozers and steam shovels and they all would come together to form one big giant robot. Kind of like a blue collar Voltron. What got me about these guys is that they were colored lime green and purple. Not yellow like every other piece of construction equipment out there. Aren’t these supposed to be ‘robots in disguise?’ “Hey Bubba, does that thar green an’ purple bulldozer look suspicious to ya?”

Astrotrain
His gimmick was that he could transform into three different things. A robot, a space shuttle, and a train. Hence the descriptive name. He was bright purple, and to make matters worse, the train he turned into wasn’t a modern day train, but an old steam engine train. Robots in disguise indeed.

And that’s all the toys I can remember. I do know that later on, they made a line of toys called Transformers Beast Wars where they all turned into animals. I think I reviewed a PSOne game of that for the newspaper once. Oddly enough, I’ve never had a desire to play any of the Transformers video games. I think one of my little brothers had a Beast Wars that turned into a big T-Rex. I never could figure out how to transform that thing. That’s why I was glad later when they made a line of preschool Transformers called “Transformers Go Bots” (which is ironic since that, when I was a kid, one of the ocmpeting lines of robot toys was called Go Bots). These toys were like Little Tykes versions of Transformers, with easy and quick ways to transform the robots into cars and such. I thought it was a good idea. Since then, there have been other lines of Transformers, but I never really paid attention to them. And there’s this new anime I keep reading about where the Transformers get their powers from being kissed by girls. And that’s all I know about Transformers! Whew! I guess I’m a bigger fan than what I thought!

Transformers Live Action Movie
But I can’t be as big a fan as some of the people I saw who came to the movie! So what did I think of it? Well, it wasn’t a very good movie, but it was a really FUN movie…if that makes any sense. It’s your typical summer blockbuster. Lots of special effects, action, and explosions. No plot, dumb characters, cheesy acting. Like Jurassic Park, the CG robots and dinosaurs are better actors than the people. The people in this movie were really dumb, too. And don’t forget blatant product placement. I don’t know about you, but if they ever make toys of the movie Transformers, I want a toy of the robot that turned into a Mountain Dew vending machine! My friend even came up with a name for him: “Jerk.” Get it? At any rate, I enjoyed the movie. If any fans complain that it wasn’t like the toys or cartoon, I say, get over it. If you want it like the cartoon, just watch the cartoon!

And that’s that. What’s YOUR favorite Transformer?

Tags: Misc